Advice for Better Living From the Weird Mind of Mr. Outer Space

Hey, puffball! Become a badass instantly using my Dynamic Tension Method.

For the four skins this magazine set you back, gentle reader, you are getting a bargain. I’ve boiled away the unsightly fat of self-help to reveal the true secret of badassery. Yeah, that’s right, you ain’t no badass, you’re a big fat square. Getting caught reading this is like your mom walking in when you’re reading porn, it’s an admission that you just ain’t boss, try though you may. I know the sweat is beading up on the back of your neck now, but that’s okay, because if unwanted moisture is your problem we can take care of that, too. After many long years (read: about twenty minutes) of careful study I’ve developed the Dynamic Tension Method to achieving a badder-ass you. Using my four pronged attack you can finally shake those loser blues and cross the city limits into Coolsville.

I used to be a 98 pound weakling. I’d go to the beach and bullies kicked sand in my face. Actually I’m a 140 pound weakling — well, I am 6′ 1″ — and I hate the beach, but the point is the same: I wasn’t with it, and everyone could tell. I’d tried other approaches to winning the envy of my peers with no success. Charles Atlas, the great comic book fitness hustler, once separated me from a pocketful of cash with the promise of his Dynamic Tension Method, which turned out to just be doing push ups with your hands on chairs and your feet on the ground. It might’ve worked, except I disliked exercise more than I disliked being a wimp. My Dynamic Tension works much better than his, and you don’t even have to break a sweat.

The real breakthrough came when I decided to start emulating a tough guy icon. Don’t get me wrong — one of the best ways to be a big dork is to model yourself after someone who’s badass in the wrong way. Greasing your hair and sneering when you talk an Elvis does not make. Critical to my success was the choice of a proper role model. After sampling and discarding a string of rock stars and pro-wrestlers, I settled upon the oft-overlooked Pee-Wee Herman. My approach was simple: whenever I felt awkward, I tried to do what Pee-Wee would do. If someone scared me I would yell and run away in as comic a fashion as possible. If someone glared at me I would make faces at them. And if someone said the secret word I would scream real loud! To be honest, I had mixed results at first. People did look at me like I was crazy, but it was sort of fun. Eventually this technique led me to the zenith of badass that I am today. [*Footnote: Am I actually a zenith of badass? If you don’t think so tell me about it and I’ll stick a fork in your eye. How’s that sound, bitch?]

Through a lengthy process of trial and error I reduced my apparent mania to its four fundamental elements, which have become the four prongs my attack, the Dynamic Tension Method. Think of it as a fork of tuff, the holy trinity plus one. By following these guidelines, you will be able to overcome your life of shame and degradation and walk proudly among the hipster elite. If it doesn’t work ask your magazine retailer for your money back and tell them what a loser you are, unable to even follow these simple instructions.

1. Get a mantra. A silent repetitive chant can help you through any crisis. The reason people find them so frustrating (and so often abandon them) is because they choose the wrong ones. You may have had someone recommend a mantra to you before, and it was probably along the lines of Om, hare krishna or some such nonsense. No wonder people lose patience — what the hell does hare krishna mean? Dynamic Tension recommends something that includes the word fuck, such as I-swear-to-god-if-you-don’t-stop-bothering-me-I’m-going-to-stick-a-fucking-ice-pick-through-your-skull. While saying that out loud to someone might give them a good reason to shoot you, repeating it to yourself when faced with adversity will send out psychic rays that will deter any foe! Try it the next time you have to talk to someone you don’t like. Once you have this tool under your belt you should never have to be under anyone’s thumb again, and that’s half of being a badass right there.

2. You’re tough now, kid, so start acting like it. If you’re new to the game try doing things that will remind you how tuff you are. Take off your shoes and draw cat faces on the ends of your socks in magic marker. Whenever you feel stupid just remember “Hey! I’m a badass, there’s cats on my socks, they’ll take care of me!”, and perk up. Anything you can do that reminds you of how tough you are when faced with social inadequacies is worth trying. Remember: when you’re a drip being idiosyncratic is bad, but when you’re a badass your eccentricities are, well, cool.

3. Know when you’re beat and respond with a non sequitur. In a perfect world, everything a badass person did would be cool. In the real world everybody does stupid things sometimes, and pretending like you’re always right only makes you look like a jerk. [*like this article!] If you get caught doing something dumb the only way to save face is to respond with a completely random action so stunning it takes the shame away from your gaffe. Girlfriend catches you drinking milk from the bottle? Bark like a dog! Boss asks why in the security video it looks like you’re stealing office supplies? Start channeling dead silent-movie stars! I.R.S. wants to know why you haven’t filed your taxes in three years? Pretend to have a seizure! There are a thousand possibilities for every awkward situation, but I think you get the idea.

4. Don’t forget to be nice. Being a badass and not being nice makes you a much bigger asshole than being not a badass and not being nice. Smile at waitresses. Feed stray kittens. Hold a door open for someone. Keep in mind, being nice isn’t the same as letting yourself get pushed around, and finding the fine line between the two takes a little trying, but you can do it! As a last piece of advice I recommend that if you ever feel like you’re losing patience with being nice you take a long, leisurely nap. Don’t feel bad about it, I take lots of naps, and look at me.

Well, that’s the crux of the biscuit there. The rest is up to you. Don’t you feel more like a badass already?