Alright then, we’ve all seen ‘em, yes? Those little notices on the front door, or perhaps the plate glass somewhere, that advise would-be robbers that there’s hardly any money on the premises. They’re so common, nobody even notices them.

What the fuck is the deal with these things?

Who, exactly, were they written for?

Who, exactly, figured it would be a good idea to spend the money to manufacture them, and then spend further money to take the time to
have somebody actually paste the thing up there?

And who, exactly, thinks that they do the slightest bit of good in the first place?

I can smell lawyers in here somewhere, I just know it!

Back to the sign. So like I’m a crack guy with a serious jones going and I walk up to the store with my pistol in my pocket, intending to get money so I can then get some more of that ripping good crack I’ve been smoking.

But I see the sign first! Oh no! “Less than $20.00.” Fuck. And that sonofabitch crack dealer of mine wants $30.00! Well I guess that’s
that. May as well keep the gun in my pocket and go back home. Maybe watch a movie on tv or something?

Does ANYbody out there see this happening? Any of you?

Tell me please, what’s one of the strongest statements you can make about a person’s stupidity? That’s right, it’s “Are you smoking crack?”

Should we expect somebody who’s already THAT STUPID to be able to make a rational decision based upon a little sign that says, “Less than $20.00?” As he’s walking up to the door with a gun in his pocket?

Something tells me here that this just isn’t going to work. At all.

In the first place, can the guy even READ? After all, he’s a fucking crackhead, right? Can crackheads read? My guess is: No. They can’t read. So much for the sign right there.

But let’s suppose our crackhead is different. Let’s suppose he CAN read. Maybe he used to be an English professor or something. It could happen. Will the sign work now?

No, it will not work now. That fucking sign still doesn’t have a prayer.

At this point, Joe Crackhead has to BELIEVE the sign. Do YOU believe that sign? Do YOU think that there’s less than $20.00 in the till? Even at three in the morning? Somehow, those guys are able to make change all night long to everybody who walks in to the place. Can this be done with $20.00? No, it can’t be done with $20.00. I know it. You know it. And Joe Crackhead knows it too.

Not that Joe would give two shits if the fucking till only had $.37 in it anyway. Joe will gladly take the $.37 and then cheerfully head on down the road to the next place. You see, Joe may not be able to read, but he CAN add. And he knows that if he only got $.37 at the last place he knocked over, he’s gonna have to ADD a little something to that amount in order to score his next bag of rocks. Duh!

And let’s not forget that Joe also knows that the people inside the store are very likely to have a little money on them too. So what if the fucking register ain’t got any fucking money? YOU do! Give me yours. NOW! Are YOU going to tell a nervous crackhead waving a pistol in your face that he can’t have your money? Probably not, huh. Joe knows THIS, too.

Of course, we are now getting into a realm where the sign
is no longer responsible. After all, the sign only said the cash register had less than twenty bucks. It never said a word about anybody’s wallet, right? But I don’t care. That fucking sign STARTED this whole thing and by god for all I care it can FINISH it.

But of course it can’t. That sign can’t do anything.

So would somebody please tell me why in the name of hell it’s there in the first place?